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Woke up to a grey and rainy morning…a soft rain, as the Irish call it. It was quite lovely and put me in mind of my years in the Pacific Northwest. I loved the weather there. People would ask “How can you stand all this rain???” and I would just smile. I adore the rain and the fog and the temperate climates there. Never cold cold in the winter like here…never hot in the summer, temps averaging the low to mid seventies. Here I go, waxing nostalgic for the place I may never get to see again. It will always live in a little corner of my heart though…the place that felt like I had finally arrived in my homeland– finally. I got there back in about 1975 and stayed there until the mid nineties. The flowers and plants were like nothing I had ever seen in my life in the midwest, or even the time I spent in the Rocky Mountains. The rhododendrons, the azaleas, the beautiful fuschias, the oleanders. I lived in the mountains in northern California, on the coast, about an hour from the Oregon border. It was heaven.
I sobered up there too, towards the end. When I left there, I went to Portland,OR for a year, and then moved to North Carolina. That was a culture shock, believe me. lol Ten years later, I moved back to my childhood home area. I made the move for all the wrong reasons, and am suffering the consequences. (And believe me, I have made plenty of bad choices sober, lol) Attempting to “Bloom where I’m planted” has been tough. There are a lot of good things here, but a lot of bad as well. I’m not whining about it, just trying to tally up the sheet and see if I should stay or not. I know my husband would move in a heartbeat. It has been three and a half years now, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier. But deep inside me, I have this nagging feeling that I need to just stay put. I don’t know why. So again, I put into practice this One Day At A Time thing and just sashay from one day to the next. And trust that when the time is right, I will know what I am supposed to do.
That being said…we went to the movies this afternoon and saw Eagle Eye. YIKES!! Not a movie for the conspiracy theory mindedness. it was very good.
I came home and read that Congress slapped down the bailout package. I was stunned, in a good kind of a way. The people of this country are speaking…at long last. To reward these bastards for their corporate greed is unconscionable. And that’s all I have to say about that.
I need some good meditation time tomorrow..it’s after 11 PM now and I usually try to write in the mornings, but I didn’t make it this morning. Things got a little slap-dash around these parts, lol.
I am going to post on my other page, and then I am going to make some oatmeal for hubby’s breakfast, and then I am going to beddy bye….
TTFN…
Late afternoon here on the Prairie. A beautiful Indian summer kind of day, with temps in the 80’s and breezy and now winding down as we get ready for dusk. It’s been a serene kind of day too..we dropped the young Prince off at home this morning after his full weekend visit and traipsed on down to a Sunday morning meeting. It was excellent-a Tradition meeting and we read and discussed the 4th Tradition today. Had a great time seeing folks I don’t always see in the meetings I do attend, and vowing to start going to this one again.
On the way home (I LOVE this kind of Serendipity!!) , we gave a woman whose car was broken down a ride back to her house, causing us to go home the back way . As we passed the local Lewis and Clark Community College, they were having a fall festival they host annually called Heritage Days. We pulled in and parked and went through the hay baled gates. It was lovely, full of folks in vintage settler costumes, theere were tents where some of them actually lived all weekend. There was a blacksmith, there were weavers and wool spinners and dyers. There were at least 3 places where there was old time music–banjos, zithers, dulcimers, fiddlers. There was a Scottish (girls) dancing routine. There were bagpipes. There were all kinds of demonstrations of different crafts and arts. It was wonderful. There are a number of these held in our area, as we are one of the Lewis and Clark outposts, as well as the Marquette and Joliet areas of interest along the great Mississippi River. I spoke at length with one woman trying to find out about dulcimer lessons locally, as I have a custom made dulcimer that I have never learned to play, and with another who does gourd carving and makes bowls and ladles and spoons and all sort of cool stuff. In 2 weeks, there will be another one of these called Kampsville Days, up on the Illinois River about an hour from here. That area as well is rich in Indian artifacts and archeological sites.
Amazing how many great things you can find to do if you take the time to look.
I’m cooking a big batch of pinto beans and ham hocks, and the house smells like hickory and bay leaves and garlic. I’ll make a batch of skillet cornbread to go with, and we will eat like kings tonight. I may even bake that peach pie I keep talking about, lol. Since I’m going to have the oven on anyway, might as well make use of it.
I’m especially grateful to be sober on days like this. God is in the details. The brown crust of cornbread baked in a hot cast iron skillet. It’s imperative that the skillet be well oiled and placed in the hot oven (empty) to get it really hot before you pour the batter in. It sizzles and crackles and then I toss it in the oven and bake for 25 minutes. I lived in North Carolina for 10 years and every time I’d make cornbread to take to potlucks at work and stuff, they’d chide me for it being sweet…like cake. I was always mildly amused, since these are the people who sweeten their tea so heavily it feels like an electric shock to your system when you drink it!! And I just stubbornly refused to change it. I like it the way I make it, and that’s the end of that. lol
Okay….guess it’s time for cornbread. After 6pm….happy funday Sunday, everyone!
HO.
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Well, today was the Fun Faire at my grandson’s school. it was fun…lol. He was so excited, introducing me to his teachers and his friends. He won 2 cakes on the cakewalk, played about a zillion games and won prizes and “FunFaire Bucks” which he got to trade in on other prizes. He got the most ridiculous looking hairy red hat…he loves it. We had a great time.
The rest of the day was spent on outdoors chores, like lawn mowing and cleaning the chicken coop. He played all day with the pups and we had chilidogs and Tater tots for supper. Afterwards, he proudly walked in and said–Who wants cake? So we had cake and ice cream for dessert. He’s snuggled in bed in the living room on the sofabed…his favorite place because all the critters climb in with him. It’s a boys paradise…watching George Lopez til he falls asleep. We’ll take him back home in the morning around 9:30, and then we’ll go on to a Sunday morning meeting. Got the alarm set for 7:30, so we’ll have plenty of time for breakfast first.
Not much else to say tonight…it’s been a great day and I’m pooped. SO, it’s officially “Lite Blog Saturday”…about 500 words less than usual. lol
NItey nite…
56 degrees this morning at 7 AM. I had to get up and turn off all the fans when I made hubby’s breakfast at 6. My grand plan for today is to get lots of housework accomplished, and since it’s supposed to hit 85 today, I’ll turn the air on. Hate to, but right around 3 o’clock, it’s been getting outrageously muggy and stifling in here, even with the fans going.
WIll have company for supper tonight. Nothing fancy, some pasta and salad and garlic bread. Maybe I’ll even make a peach pie. 2 of my sponslings are coming, one with a two year old, and one with a 13 year old. And my grandson will be here too. It’ll be fun. I have this primal maternal nurturer need to feed people who are having a tough time. Don’t know what that is, but it comes out of me everytime. lol I have often thought that we could probably solve all the world’s problems by just sitting down and breaking bread. I could go over to Israel and call up the Palestinian and Israeli people (not the governments) and we could all sit down to some good hearty baba ghanoush and black bread with butter and just work things out. Or into the heart of Africa, in Darfur–c’mon, gather ’round! The cassava and groundnut stew with lots of yams and ginger is ready! Or even into the middle east and get the saudis and the iranians and iraquis and americans and say –SOUP’S ON !!!!!!!!!!!! Get those Afghani’s over here too!! Sit down, eat up, and Let’s talk. Everybody’s too hungry to make good decisions.
Sigh… Maybe I should run for Chief Cook and Bottle Washer.
It’s supposed to be beautiful today. A little foggy this morning, the collision between yesterdays hot air masses and the early mornings very cool ones, I suppose. I love looking out the back deck over the pond on mornings like this. The Great Blue Heron is feeding on the little fishes and the fishes are feeding on the little bugs. The water ripples and splashes when they jump. Shrouded by the mild fog, it looks like something from a painting out there. Greys and blues and subdued greens, over the rosey tangerine sunrise. It doesn’t get much better than this…
I’m having to take a good look some days at my proclivity to “fix” things for other people. I was getting a little concerned about it, when I decided that really all I am doing is whatever good I can, however small. One of my most painfull memories is of being about 21 years old with a 3 year old, no money, no food and no one to help me. That hopelessness and despair when it’s not just you that has to eat. When it’s not just you with nowhere to sleep. And you don’t know where to turn. Backed into a corner you never thought you’d find yourself in. That fabric of fear indelibly marks you, and I guess it never goes away. Because I spent those days with not enough to eat, I am a hoarder. I have fully stocked pantries, all the time. Because of those days of not having a roof over my head, I am psychotic about having the rent or mortgage paid 2 weeks early. And even now, when I own my place free and clear (well, except for taxes and insurance), I still have flashes of those desperate feelings that only the homeless understand. It’s much better than it used to be. But I think it never goes away. Everytime I see the news when they’ve bombed cities and destryoed homes and refugees are wandering the streets…I will get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. And I see the desperate looks on their faces. And I know these people. I am these people. And it strikes some cord in me, some gong ringing in the distant past…quietly, forcefully. And I remember what that felt like (even though it was nowhere near what they are going through physically, the mentality is the same.) Displacement. Fear. Hopelessness. That is always the worst, I think. The hopelessness.
AH, But today sings a new song. Sobriety has changed a lot of things for me, on the outside. And lots of things are changing on the inside as well, though maybe a little more slowly. But honestly, I don’t want to lose those feelings that give me empathy and compassion. I don’t want to forget…just like I don’t want to forget that last drunk. I need to remember. I NEED to remember….
Another cool morning..love these. Yesterday got up to almost 85…in some places ’round these parts.
I was looking at Todd’s Hell’s Kitchen blog this morning and it got me thinking about some of the great t-shirts I’ve seeen lately. Here are a few:
“You say ‘delusional’ like it’s a bad thing”
“I had the right to remain silent, but not the ability”
“Sarcasm-just another service I offer”
“Wal-crap. More useless junk from more and bigger stores”
“Expect a miracle” (that’s mine)
“I only do what the voices in my head tell me to”
“I’m not a real doctor, but I’d be glad to have a look at you.”
Always room for a little brevity…
Not much plan beyond some housecleaning. And reading. I am reading a book called “We were the Mulvaneys” by Joyce Carol Oates. Its a marveloous character- developed book and I am enjoying it way more than I thought I would. I’m in the last third of it now. Next on the list is a book by Jane Smiley, called Ten Days in the Hills. I hope it will be good…she won a Pulitzer and was named to the American Academy of Arts and Letters, and recieived a PEN Lifetime Achievemnt Award for Literature in 2007. These credentials were enough to make me give her a chance.
I was noticing today too, that my blog moniker here, AKannie, brings to mind a gun totin’ moll of the present century. lol Nothing like an automatic weapn of mass destruction to brighten a girl’s day…
I’m blabbering today. Maybe I should go have some breakfast…oaties, perhaps, with a bit of blueberries on top. mmmmmm…
I’ll be Bach….
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A coolish morning in th elow 60’s. Feels like autumn today. The sun is peeking through just a few clouds and hopefully the laundry will get dry today. It didn’t dry yesterday and I left it out there all night to soak up some more dew. lol
Plans to hit a nooner today and meet up with a new sponsling. She’s going to be out looking for work and will break for the meeting. HUbby is at a staffing agency right now picking up paperwork for a job that won’t pay any more than the unemployment check does, but what do you do? At least it’ll make him feel useful and give him something to occupy his mind.
I was thinking about the state of the economy and reading about unemployment claims rising some-odd% over the last few week, and how much of lower middle class America is struggling to make ends meet. I know that it’s hard all over. Lucky for me, I know it’s all one day at a time too. So, instead of living in anxiety or fear, I try to live in the beauty of the moment. In the safety of my sobriety.
I was thinking too, that this isn’t the first time I’ve lived in less prosperous times. But I always managed to afford to drink. And the last few years it wasn’t even just drink, it was 12 year old single malt. Glenlivet. And even back in the late eighties, it was selling for $4.00 a drink. And I wasn’t one of those lightweights who drank 3 or 4 and went home either…I can promise you that. lol I drank like a pig, until I was blind or pretty close. And I always managed to have the money for that. I haven’t been homeless except for a little while when I first got sober. I was 6 months sober when I left my future ex-husband. In spite of all the talk about not making any major decisions in your irst year of sobriety, I knew that if I didn’t go, I would be drunk soon. It was a hard choice…we’d been married 18 years. we met at a bar. We drank together all the time. Only now, I had changed the rules and gotten sober and he liked me better drunk. He would pour vodka or gin into one of those 32 ounce Solo cups right in my face and sneer…”Want me to make you a drink??–Oh, no–that’s right, I FORGOT, you quit”… and the smell would almost make me puke, and I wanted it so bad, and I would turn and walk away from him and finally one day I had to keep walking right on out the door. And I always said he was the love of my life, and it was gut wrenching. But I couldn’t take any more nights of coming home from work and finding him passed out in the recliner or slobbering his way to bed after I was asleep after coming back in from drinking after work with his buddies (because he sure wasn’t drinking alone –that’s a bad sign if you do that!) And I had abandoned him at the bar.
YUcky stuff. But I walked out the door finally and walked into a new way of life. It wasn’t easy and I had nowhere to go and not much money. I slept on some kind people’s sofas and slept in a guest room that belonged to an old lady from Finland for a few weeks. Finally I scraped up enough money to get an apartment. He had taken all the money out of the joint bank account and opened a new one in his name that I couldn’t get to. I guess he thought he’d force me to come back by starving me to death, lol. He would say to me, when are you coming home, and I’d cry and say when are you going to stop drinking. He’d sadly reply Probably never, and I’d say -then, probably never. It was awful.
Now I am 18 yeras away from all that and it feels(at a gut level) like it was yesterday, sometimes. But I have a good life, married to a sober man. I haven’t found it necessary to pick up in a long time…no matter how scarey things get. And that is my miracle.
Thanks. God.
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I am heartbroken and scared…my little pup is lost, or stolen. We are searching high and low and cannot find her.
More later.
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Well….after 5 hours of looking for her and finally giving up….one of our neighbors up the road came down on his tractor and said “Did I hear you guys calling for a lost dog this morning??” Apparently the little darling had followed the big dogs up the road on their morning business and couldn’t keep up. She hid out in the back lot where this guy has a big woodpile, and he said he saw 2 little black eyes looking out and she was scared of him. He said he wasn’t sure if it was our dog or not, but it was a little puppy. I said well, she has a pink collar. He said he didn’t notice that.
So, hubby went up the road with him and came back carrying our little angel. I had already cried and prayed and did everything AI could to find her, and was thinking someone must have taken her, as she was gone so fast.
I am one happy mommy today. Here is the little baby Caylee….
I am tired and emotionally exhausted/exhilarated. And I am sober. And that, boys and girls, is nothing short of a miracle.
Tomorrow is another day…..
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The beginning of another week…if you live according to a Monday-Sunday world. It’s coolish this morning, perfect weather for the first day of fall. I’m breakfasting on a fat slice of toasted homemade bread with butter and my second cup of Sumatran. It’s heaven. The bread turned out well…I used vital wheat gluten and ground flax seed in the recipe. I think I’ll get some sunflower seeds and put seeds and wheat berries in the next batch. One of the problems with making bread is that it seems to disappear much faster than the store bought stuff, thanks to a certain appreciative man that clomps around this house. lol
I plan on making a noontime meeting today, if possible. I have a new little sponsling (weeks sober) that is trying to fit in Mondays noon in her hectic schedule. She’s a nursing student and single mom…in the last year of her nursing program. So this is the toughest year, the hardest one with all the practicums wedged in between all the classes. She’s my hero.
Precious pup is sitting here waiting for another tiny bite of toast. She has started going outside more with the other dogs, which scares me a little, as they run all over the neighborhood. SO far, they run off and leave her. She stays here in the yard crying for them. lol It’s the typical little sister thing…they won’t wait for me–wahhhgghhhh! Her lilttle legs cannot begin to keep up. I noticed last night as we were all out playing in the yard, that she is losing some of her clumsiness and getting around much better. She’s still too small to make the leap onto a couple of the porches and has to run like mad the long way around. She’s too much fun to watch! I love puppies and kittens. They are such testament to wonder and exploring and learning.
JUst for today, I will not be afraid of the future. I was thinking about that last night as I lay down to sleep. P’s unemployment, the state of the economy, our dwindling bank account…all these things are transient, ephemeral. For today, we have enough food to get by. And for today, neither of us has to go through this alone. For today, I don’t have to put any drink or drug into my mouth that will change the way I feel–even temporarily. These are all very good things. SO, to focus on what is good, that’s my plan for today. And to remind myself daily that this IS an abundant UNiverse, I always have more than I need, and I always have wealth(of some kind) to share. Sometimes that wealth is money. Sometimes it is food. Sometimes it is Love. Sometimes it is shelter. Always, it is given with gratitude. And that’s the main thing.
And as we all know: The Main thing is to keep the MAIN thing the MAin thing. *giggle
It’s nine o’clock in the morning here. The weatherman has promised a sunny beautiful 80 degree day. What more could a girl ask for?
HO.
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Ah…the last day of summer. Faretheewell, adios, Tata for now….
Today was a good day. It was the District 18 picnic and we had a grand time. Saw lots of folks I don’t see alot, some I haven’t seen in a long time, and lots and lots of familiar faces. It was one of those days where I think–Jezuz! I know a lot of people, having only been back here for 3 years! Lots of good food, and great fellowship. I think even if I wasn’t a recovering alcoholic/addict, I would join a 12 step program just for the social life. LMAO…
Came home and played outside with the dogs for a couple of hours. Little Caylee is getting more and more agile, losing some of the awkward “puppy learning to run” moves. Today Lucy the lab was teaching her how to dig holes, and become a real dog. Probably a lesson we could have lived without…
I was thinking this afternoon about some old “stuff” in a conversation I was having with a 33 year Alanon woman that I admire. She has been in Alanon as long as her husband has been in AA. We were talking about things like kids and emotional benders and you know, fun stuff like that. I started thinking about having made this move back to Illinois. And how I yearn to be back out west. And how, with the economy what it is, we’ll probably never be able to sell this and get our money out, even if we wanted to. All this swirling and splattering around inside my little pea brain. Then on the drive home, brains all a’twitter…we pass a house that has a pear tree in the front yard and it’s hanging low with tons of fruit, and I think…maybe my pear tree will fruit next year, the peach trees both did this year and I planted them the same time as the pear. SO…who knows. No rash moves, no forever decisions, staying put for now and blooming where I’m planted. Or not. lol
Or maybe it’s more about throwing my life into God’s hands and seeing what happens next. Losing the fear of the future and the anxieties of the present, and just trusting that this is the path I am supposed to be on right now. When the time comes for any kind of change, it will come on it’s own, in God’s time, not mine. And approaching each day with gratitude, and blessing everything around me. And trusting in the totality of the moment.
No matter what it looks like from here.
HO.
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Settling in on a late Saturday afternoon. It was a slow start this morning, and we decided to go to the Mississipi River Earthtones festival down at the riverfront. The Sierra Club had a table there as well as many other groups. There were food stands and childrens booths and exhibits and arts and crafts. There was even live music, and all their electrical equipment was solar powered! It was a nice thing to do on a Saturday. We are involved in SC and the local Audubon Society, and it’s nice seeing other eco-groovy things that are going on in the area as well.
I recently learned of a kind of a co-op farm that has started not far from here, Spikenard Farm is their name and you can google them if you’re at all interested in this kind of stuff. I am. This is a little over 600 acres of devastated farmland that was farmed by conventional methods and then lay fallow for years. The heart of their operation is a honeybee sanctuary and apiary. They hope to become fully self-sustainable within 5 years, and they are well on their way. They have animals and gardens and are biodynamically diverse and their methods are all organic. It’s fascinating, and I think I’m going to go there soon for a visit. If I’ve never said….we raised bees for several years before leaving North Carolina. We have our hive boxes and just haven’t set them up. I still have about 5 gallons of honey left from then. Our gardens grew and produced so much better when we had bees, all the pollination business is a miraculous thing to experience.
I really want/need to get back into living that kind of life –we still do it to an extent, but the frightening state of the economy is going to make this kind of thing the survivors trump card, I fear. I have a lot of survival skills… I know that I would be able to survive a depression, if that’s what it comes to. I have stocked pantries. I know how to stretch food. I am baking bread even as I type. A wonderful flax wheat bread that is hearty and nutritious, the way bread is supposed to be. Tonight’s supper will be a thick soup with warm slabs of fresh baked bread slathered with butter. Or maybe apple butter that I made a few years ago. I’m down to my last 2 jars of that wonderful treat…and it’s apple harvesting time again. I think I will can apples too, but mostly I’ll make apple butter and store some for the winter. 3 bushels should do me this year.
Hubby is out for a walk and I am snuggled in. It’s a misty rainy day, and feels like soup. The temperature never quite made it to 70 today. I feel more centered and calm than yesterday, though I did leave my cell phone home today while we were out. lol
I am feeling as though it’s time for one of those psychic shifts that comes along ever so often. Not sure what’s coming down the pike, but it will be welcomed.
Tomorrow is the local AA District picnic. I’m making a couple of dozen devilled eggs to take along and maybe a cake. Guess I’d better decide and get on it.
Feeling more at peace today then I have in a few days. Thanking goodness for the little things…the smell of rising bread, the quiet snoring of sleeping puppies, the golden silence in the house right now.
Life is good.
HO.
